Sunday, March 20, 2011

Mommy's First Rejection

The other night I had my first share of rejection. Was trying to stop Miya's crying but she just won't stop. Checked her diaper but she doesn't need changing. Tried to breastfeed her but she didn't want to be fed. Then my mother-in-law takes her and starts swaying her while standing up and Miya stops. I was crying the moment Miya was back in her crib. Joema was asking me what the matter was. I was upset because I wasn't the one who stopped her from crying. I was upset because I didn't want her to be masanay in swaying just to stop her crying. I was upset with myself because I didn't want help from anyone when it was clear that I did need help. Whenever I feel selfish with my daughter, and I'm sure there will be many more times in the future, I will always think of what Frances of Topaz Mommy wrote - that it takes a village to raise a child and hopefully I will be more generous in sharing Miya with others.


I wrote the text above on Feb 3, exactly 5 days after giving birth and 2 days after returning from the hospital. I lacked sleep so excuse the incohesive sentences. I felt so rejected then - by my only daughter no less. I wanted to comfort her. I want her to know that when she cries she can go to directly to me (or that she'll go only to me). The next day my husband told me that our our daughter is so beautiful then he said, we should share her with everyone so that everyone will know how beautiful she is. He's afraid I wouldn't want to go to his hometown to let his relatives see our daughter.

Well, Miya is now almost two months but I still want to do everything for her. Although, I have somewhat accepted that I needed help but not totally.

When my mother-in-law was still with us, she was the one who brought Miya down by the poolside to get the morning sun. Now that we have our househelp, I let yaya give Miya's vitamins and sometimes let her change the diapers. She also carries Miya once in a while. There are times when she's the one who can pacify Miya from crying and it takes all of my willpower to take my daughter away from her arms. My mom always wants to hold Miya when we're together. She even wants us to stay overnight at their house and sleep beside Miya but I've said no to this. It will just be difficult for all of us especially since Miya wakes up several times during the night for feedings and diaper change.

Some friends have told me to start pumping breastmilk so that our help can feed Miya while I sleep or Joema can feed Miya when we go out. But I still don't want to do this. I still want to breastfeed Miya directly. My maternity leave is for 12 weeks and I will extend this to another 15 days so I don't want to hurry with the pumping of milk.

So yes, I still want Miya all to myself although I really encourage the hubby to share responsibilities with me like burping her and taking her from me when she just wouldn't stop crying. He is the one person I willingly give Miya to.

I know, I know I have to learn to share her with others. But can you blame me if I don't want to share this adorable child?

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